Sunday, June 23, 2013


SAT Word- Desistance: to end, to stop

(The {X} are links to previous posts)
In some ways, I’m glad this is my last post, since I am quickly running out of things to write. I feel it’s much easier to write when you’re struggling with something hard and dark. It’s much easier to vent on a blog when you have a deep controversy going on within you. However, now that I’ve finally found some peace in my warring world, I have few words left to write.

The last sentences are being scribbled out on the pages of this chapter. It’s all ending fast. This chapter I’ve walked through will soon be over. Soon, the writer will pull out a fresh blank page and begin writing the sentences of the next step of my life. Tomorrow, I leave for college orientation and immediately after that, I will leave to work at summer camp. After that, I will leave for College.

Wednesday, we finished the trail. After three long years, we finished it. We had cut away branches and sawed down trees for so long that Jared, Eric and I thought we would probably never make it. Luckily, we were wrong. We cut away some branches next to the stream and we found ourselves unexpectedly connected to another trail, which led us perfectly to our destination. We had finally done it: made a trail all the way from Jared’s to Eric’s house. As we walked out of the trail and walked over to Eric’s house to grab a couple Gatorades, we couldn’t help but long to show someone the journey we had been on. We desperately wanted to share what we had worked on for three years. My friend, Sarah, lives down the street from Eric and Jared. We called her up and made her hike the trail we had made. It probably didn’t make sense to her but we needed to share the trail with someone.

Perhaps it is for the very same reason that I’ve written this blog. I have a story, being written out right now about me. I’ve written this blog wanting desperately for someone to hear about the journey I had traveled and the battles I have fought. Everyone has a story.{X}  Everyone has a writer, writing out their adventure. Somehow, these stories are all connected {X}, woven together into a beautiful story about humanity and the God that created them. If you are reading this, I ask you to go back and read through my story and after that read through the stories of so many other bloggers. After that, write out the story you are living.
I finally finished my book “Life of Pi” yesterday after three long months of non-diligent reading.

“What a terrible thing it is to botch a farewell. I am a person who believes in form, in the harmony of order. Where we can, we must give things a meaningful shape. For example - I wonder - could you tell my jumbled story in exactly one hundred chapters, not one more, not one less? I'll tell you, that's one thing I have about my nickname [Pi], the way the number runs on forever. It's important in life to conclude things properly. Only then can you let go. Otherwise you are left with words you should have said but never did, and your heart is heavy with remorse.” –Life of Pi

I must say farewell now. I must end this blog.
It’s funny how, I wrote about Pi on my third post and the fact that it runs on for infinity without ever stopping. On Pi, you’ll find any sequence on numbers that you can think of. It runs on for so long that you’ll find your story somewhere on it. It’s all there, somewhere between the beginning and infinity. {X}
Speaking of old posts, I was re-reading my first post a while back when it dawned on me, how much that first post foreshadowed everything that would come. I wrote about the nature of “Romances” in literature and I compared it to the way Christ has shown his love for us. I didn’t realize how much of a romantic wave I would go on myself. {X}
Before I knew it, I found myself facing darkness, horrible darkness. Haunted by mistakes of the past and loneliness, I began to lose hope. I lost track of God, and started panicking. I lost my faith and began to doubt and suddenly began sinking fast. It’s like what I discovered about running after talking to Erin when she asked me what it was that made me good at running. {X} If you want to run a good race, you can’t panic. You’ve got to have faith and trust and push yourself to the edge of you boundaries.

Luckily, God always seems to come in at the right time and rescues us from the darkness. When we can’t see him anymore and when we’ve been driven to a point where we so desperately want him, he shows up and we’re blown away.
He shows up and shows us the city of people he loves and reminds us of the love he has for us. {X} Not long after he showed me that, he brought me up to a hill once I was back home and showed me my home town and reminded me how much he loves everyone in our town.
That’s something I find strange about this whole entire battle that I’m fighting.
                On one side I have Satan jumping around and yelling to get my attention. He’s repeating the same lies over and over again hoping that if I hear them enough times, maybe I’ll believe them. He jumps around waving his hands in the air and he yells in my ear until eventually I begin to believe what he’s worked so hard to get me think.
                But on the other, we have a God, a great star breathing God who made the mountains with a sweep of his finger and formed the galaxies with the breath of his mouth. I’ll become distracted from what’s truly important and all he has to do is tap me on the shoulder, whisper in my ear {X} and I stop and am put in an incredible state of awe and joy that is impossible to find anywhere else.
                See Satan’s working so hard to drag us all down into the darkness. He’s working so hard to keep us from seeing God and sometimes it even seems like it’s working. But God is patient. He waits until exactly the right moment and he shows up just for a second, just enough so that we can get a glimpse of him and we’re dumbfounded at the glory in front of us.
                This isn’t a fair fight at all. It’s not even close.
                All we have to do to win this fight, its make the decision to fight. We can define our battles or let the battles define us. {X} {X} We have to fight against sitting still. We have to fight against apathy {X}.
                We have to clean out the darkness stored within us. We have to clean out the grudges and the hate we’ve stored up for so long. We have to let go of the balloons we hold on to. {X}
Only then do we feel alive. Only with God’s love does this crazy life that we’ve been living mean anything. I remember going into the bedroom of my Grandfather dying of cancer. I remember it being weird to see him in such a weak state and I remember him looking straight at me and telling me that I should follow God. He said that following God was the most important thing. That was the last time I ever spoke to him. I made a promise there. I intend to keep it.
Today we graduated from highschool and I received an envelope with my diploma inside. I opened up the envelope and inside it was a letter written from the seventh grade me. Most of the letter was pretty silly and strange to read but when I got to the end, my seventh grade self asked my present self if I was still following Jesus and if I still had faith.

I received a lot of cards upon graduation. Two very important friends of mine gave me gifts as well and I opened them last night.
I opened the first and my face lit up immediately. Before me was a golden cylinder with a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote etched on the cover. I opened it up to find a compass meant for a desk or a table top.
I opened up the second to find a pouch similar to the one that the first gift had been in only smaller. “What are the chances?” I asked myself. I opened it up and to my amazement found a second compass. I couldn’t help but laugh. Out of all the gifts I could have received, I received two golden compasses.
I wouldn’t have asked for anything else. The compasses were a friendly reminder from God that my journey isn’t over yet and that I still have a long ways yet to go.
Thank you to everyone who has read this and taken the time to read my story. I have learned a ton from writing this. Now begins the next chapter of my life. Farewell.

No comments:

Post a Comment